“When I forget the narrow will of self

the cosmic warmth that heralds summer’s glory

fills all my soul and spirit;

to lose myself in light

is the command of spirit vision

and intuition tells me strongly:

o lose yourself to find yourself.”

– Rudolf Steiner, The Calendar of the Soul, translated from the German by Ruth and Hans Pusch

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Oooh!  I *love* this little verse!  It immediately speaks to me of glorious surrender.  Mmmmmmm, what a great feeling!  Slipping into that light-filled space where all the love and wisdom of the cosmos reside.  Being wrapped in a mantle of starry sparkles.  Being aware of the breadth and depth of truth.  Feeling the completeness of heavenly love.  Receiving the gift willingly and fully.

Mmmmmmmmm . . . .

Yes, that *is* what surrender can be like.  Beauty and peace beyond words and human expression.

However, I understand that surrender doesn’t feel like that right away.  Surrender can be really scary if you haven’t done it before.  It can feel like you’re standing with your back to a cliff and someone tells you to fall backwards and you’ll be caught.

What!!  How is that possible!!  There’s nothing there except certain death!!  You scream.  You clutch.  You resist.  (And, please know that I could easily write  “I scream.  I clutch.  I resist.”  Oh, believe me, I know this place very well.)

So, maybe you lean back just a wee bit.  And, you think you’ve done it.  *And*, you have!  It’s a beginning.  You’ve overcome some of your fear.  And, you didn’t die.  You didn’t perish.  It wasn’t really *fun* and it certainly wasn’t *peaceful*, but you did it.  And we celebrate that!

Then, you try it again when you’re ready (forgetting the narrow will of self) and you’re feeling the pull toward it (the command of spirit vision and intuition).  You stand there again at the edge of the cliff, but this time you notice the gorgeous scene that surrounds you (the cosmic warmth).  It’s really *beautiful* here!  Yes, and imagine what you *can’t* see until you fall backwards . . .

You try again.  You lean back a little more and maybe you feel that support, maybe you don’t.  But, maybe this time instead of feeling dread, you feel a little exhilerated.  Maybe not.  Keep trying this process as you feel guided.  There’s no need to push yourself or feel guilty about anything.  It *will* happen when the time is right.  You will release all of the fear that is holding you back, once all of it is released (yes, it’s circular because it’s circular).

Then, one glorious day, you’ll willingly, fully, Nestea plunge all the way back (losing yourself in light).  Arms stretched out in full surrender!  You’ll soar on the updraft.  You’ll nestle into the hands of God.  You’ll be surrounded by the feathers of angels’ wings.

You will lose yourself and find yourself.

And, oh, my friends, what a day that will be!