The other day I posted about Ashtanga yoga being strong medicine and it is.  I’m in the process of releasing some tension and tight spots in my spine, right behind my heart.  Some of the chest-opening postures in the beginning of the intermediate series of ashtanga are really doing their work.

Yesterday I had a complete melt-down in the middle of my Mysore class, right after doing a series of chest openers.  I could feel the floodgates break and the emotions come rushing out.  It was very overwhelming.  There was all kinds of intense grief and sadness in there.  I was literally sobbing for what seemed like five minutes.  I would pull it together and then it would all just start up again.  It’s some old stuff . . . stuff from my childhood, stuff that’s more recent.  And, it’s intense.  And, it’s time.

True that some of the timing of this release was likely triggered by our upcoming move and the stresses surrounding it.  Logistics, concerns, worries about the future, sadness about saying goodbye, etc.  But, really it’s much deeper than that.

Something inside me is cracking open and there’s a quality to this layer of healing that’s different from other sadness and regret.  This stuff feels ancient.  It feels and smells stuffy and old.  I can tell that these layers lie directly in front of a part of me that is beginning to wake up and these intense layers are placed here to make sure I’ve got the courage to embrace some new truths about myself.

My friend and yoga teacher, very kindly, sat behind me while I cried — I didn’t know she was there.  I’m really honored that she kept vigil with me — that touches me deeply.  Later she encouraged me to back off a little, that I didn’t need to work so hard, that I should choose some postures that are more familiar and comfortable (it’s a nice contrast to hear this from her since for the last few years she’s pushed me farther than I would have gone alone).

But, no, this isn’t a time to back off . . . it’s a time to charge forward.  Yes, there’s more releasing to do.  And, yes, I suppose I’ll be crying in front of people I’d rather not cry in front of, and they might mis-understand what’s going on with me.  There’s no way I’m going to stop now — it’s all going to get very good when I get through this intense layer.

I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but I’ll let you know when I get there.

And, please, I encourage you to be filled with courage, even in the face of intensity.  If you are moving toward healing and connection with the divine, there will be little road-blocks and hurdles.  It’s always an option to turn back or to slow down . . . and it’s an option to step forward with courage.

Your angels will tell  you what you best need.  Once they did instruct me to lie down and rest and they gave me the most beautiful bed to sleep on.  Now, they tell me not to get distracted, but to keep moving forward even if it doesn’t feel pretty or easy.

And, that’s what I’m going to do. 

If I can help you, please let me know.  It would be a pleasure to assist and encourage you. 

The love of heaven to you, Laura

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