No, this isn’t me.  I wish it were, but it’s not.  Not yet.  But, I keep working toward it.

I find the first several postures of the ashtanga intermediate series are bringing up many tough past life memories for me.  Times I was injured by a loving teacher who pushed me too far and used too much physical force at times when my body couldn’t handle the pressure.  I broke.  And then my teacher broke because of his guilt and grief.  We loved each other — I was a devoted student and my teacher’s grief and guilt broke me further.

The energy was all enmeshed — each of us feeling our own feelings and then feeling each other’s feelings.

All that enmeshment settled in my upper back and in my shoulders and when I get close to touching those blocks so I can heal and release them, my lower back starts screaming at me.  But I saw the other day that the physical pain I feel in my lower back isn’t physical at all (though it feels like it, believe me . . .).  It’s all that emotional pain from lives past.

When I near those very tender, painful places that are locked up tight, my lower back sends out a smoke screen to distract me.  The other day I pushed through the smoke screen (yes, it hurt) and I got deeper into this Kapotasana posture than I ever have before.   It was *very* uncomfortable — very scary.  I broke down in tears afterward because of the layers of release that came up.

It’s taken a couple of days to release the physical tightness and pain in my body but I’m feeling pretty strong today and I’m ready to try again, no matter what comes up.  No matter what scary, ugly, painful stuff comes up with it.  I’m ready.  I’m strong.

I release my former teachers — I release all former gurus.  I am my own best teacher now.  I’m my own guru.  I receive assistance and guidance from Babaji and others, but I’m my own guru. 

I’m on my way home and the path is golden.

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